You Can Have Me(click here to hear this song)

Island Lake

8/19/10

During our hike today we ran into the "Mushroom Man" A man who had picked some mushrooms on the trail and he began to tell us all about how to tell if mushrooms were good or not…remember "Gills Kill" he said…He gave us a taste of his mushroom…yum they were tasty…Kathy and I were able to find a couple of these mushrooms only found at high elevations…we ate them!

We set up camp at Island lake for three nights. We went fishing after setting up camp and Kathy caught a small rainbow trout…she let it go.

We were all really tired. I felt really alone in my tent tonight…missing Mell. I hate doing this without him to share it with.

This night the song "You Can Have Me" was running through my brain and wouldn't let go…

So I wrote down the lyrics to it…

“Your can have me” by Sidewalk Prophet

If I saw you on the street and you said come and follow me.

But I had to give up everything ...all I once held dear and all of my dreams. Would I love you enough to let go or would my love run dry when you ask for my life?

When did love become unmoving, when did love become unconsuming? Forgetting what the world has told me...Father of love you can have me....you can have me...

If your all you claim to be...then I’m not losing anything.

So I will crawl upon my knees...just to know the joy of suffering.

I will love you enough to let go...Lord I give you my life...I give you my life...

and I will never look back...So Jesus here is my heart…

All I once held dear…is gone…all of my dreams are gone…I didn't choose this but it is truth…

My husband is gone from this life and I must dream new dreams and hold tight to my Lord!

So He has me! I give Him my heart!

Jesus you have me! I have nothing left! You are all to me!

"Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge" (Psalm 62:8).

The Love of My Life

(Day 2) 8/18/10

On the trail as we hiked this first day...It was very difficult to say the least (emotionally)

While hiking we met an old guy named Chuck, I guessed him about 80 something. I got to talking to him and he said he loved the wilderness and hiked all over the place. He knew the Wind River Range like the back of his hand.

I ask him if there was some special reason he liked to hike. He said he had been doing it since he lost his 3rd wife in an auto accident. She was the love of his life. I told him about Mell and

thats why I was there too. He too was the Love of my Life.

Just getting myself to Wyoming was hard...but now I see that it already has been spiritually enlightening. My heart is so sad, but at peace. God has wrapped my heart in his hands.

God wants you to pour out your emotions to Him: "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge" (Psalm 62:8).

He also directs you to share your emotions with others: "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn" (Romans 12:15).

"Bear one another's burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2 NASB).

Lord Jesus, grieving is as natural and as common as loving. I want to help make it as acceptable, too. May my healing journey spark healing in those around me. Amen.

P.S. First day out we saw...I think...a ptarmigan...a chicken like bird...I have seen it in Alaska...If its not a ptarmigan Alaskans let me know...Eric...Jay...Mike...Ok?

A Hug From God

Bobby, Ernie, me and Kathy

This trip was my solo(1st) big trip without my sweet Mell…When I did my solo backpack I ran into Ernie…He invited me on this trip..He thought it would be good for me to go…He was right…At the time I didn't have Avi and it made it even harder to go now that I had my little puppy and had to leave her for 2 weeks.

Everything I do is so hard...sometimes I just get tired of hard.

But the Lord is right beside me urging me on to healing.

(Day 1) 8/17/10

It started on the plane...we were a little late getting to Utah so the pilot asked if we did not have a connecting flight to sit tight and let the others off first...I took my time and waited...as I was leaving the flight attendant was helping me get my backpack down out of the bin. Her name was Adrian. She was very helpful so I decided to give her one of my “One heart Beat Away” books. She took one look at it and said “I am a Christian and my husband died 5 years ago” just like that, she said it! Of course then I added that my husband had died 6 months ago! We walked out of the plane together like we were best friends, she walked with me to the baggage claim...talking all the way...we said goodbye with a hug and said “See ya in heaven”

It was just one of those moments when you know that God was right there with you and had given you a hug!

Luke 24:15

As they talked and discussed these things with each other, Jesus himself came up and walked along with them;

When you take steps to healing God definitely can meet you, but you have to take the step first!

The next thing you know there was Kathy...we hung around for a little while and talked, got our bags and then went to the car rental to meet Ernie and Bobby. Everything went according to plan. That night we got our backpacks ready and early day 2 off we go!

Wind River Range Retreat

9/1/10

I have been gone for 2 weeks to Wyoming on a backpack retreat in the Wind River Range.

This is where the “Healing begins” I will take one day at a time in my journal I did while I was in the winds. The Wind of God was blowing strong...this place didn’t get its name by chance!

The peace of God was amazing...I love the mountains and the wilderness and God meets me there.

12Stone church for all who live in this area is doing a series on

“Doing Hard Things” They did an interview with me to be aired maybe on Sunday. I’m not sure what date it will be I will keep you updated. You can come to the 1pm service after your church if you want...or join me at the 9am service.

Journey to Healing

Happy Birthday Graham!

8/15/10(Graham’s 30th birthday)

The next step in my grief journey will be my first real solo trip without Mell. I have to leave my little puppy Avi too. We all know what a comfort a pet can be at this time of grieving. She will be staying 1 week with my son Robert and the 2nd week with my friend Ruth. I have a real peace today after praying over her and giving her to the Lord to take care of her for me.

I will be leaving for Wyoming on Tuesday on a backpacking trip for 2 weeks one week in and coming out for 1 day and then returning to a different area for another week. It will be the longest backpack I have ever done.

Its all about the climb God is taking me on...

I am asking God for a time of reflection on my life with Mell, all that he gave to me...and what it means in my life now that he is gone... It was his whole heart that he gave to me and my heart belonged to him wholly. I want to reflect on the Love we shared and the fun we had. None of which would have happened without each other.

I am asking the Lord for healing in this Wyoming wilderness area.

I know that He lives in me and goes with me wherever I go.

If you have read past blogs...you might remember the “Breath of God” I think He is preparing me to take the next step. To go beyond what is expected of me. I haven’t a clue what that is...but I am preparing to take it whatever it might be!

"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" (Psalm 13:2).

Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice(Ps 55:18)

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path" (Psalm 119:105).

Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

Isaiah 58:7-9

He will lead me.. as on this hike I will take one step at a time,

In grief I will do the same... one step at a time. Some parts of the journey will be harder than others...just like this hike...I’m sure some trails will be harder than others....

My healing will break forth! He will be my rear guard!

I will return on the 1st of September thank you for your prayers at this time.

Solo Anniversary

8/12/10

I made it around and through our wedding anniversary August 9.

My son Graham came to visit from California and we went to the Island and returned on Sunday the 8th which was the 6th month of Mell’s home going. We met with all the family and had dinner,

it was good for us all to be together.

I say I made it around and through because it was my intension to make it through and I ran around it all day. We can go through grief or we can run from it or go around it. Finally at the end of the day I realized I was running...just running...I felt like I was going crazy again!

The anger I felt at God I had not felt since Mell first left this place to be with our God.

I ended the day with thanksgiving and tears to a God who loves me!

I am glad I serve Him and know His love... even when I am angry at Him!

John 14:23
Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.

His home is in me...He lives in me...how can I run from my pain when I have a God who lives in me and goes with me through this thing we call grief?

John 21:17 Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you." Jesus said, "Feed my sheep.

This much I know...I love my Lord...and He loves me...He is asking all of us to “Feed His Sheep” This I will continue to do. Sharing His love with all I meet along this new path He is cutting for me. I will stay on the path and try not to go around or run from it again but if I do, I know He is there to catch me when I fall! I desire to make it through! And with His help and your prayers I know I will!

Crying Out In The Day Of Trouble

8/2/10

Recently I cried out to the Lord for a “Widow Friend” and I mean cried out ! This is an extremely hard road to walk alone. The loneliness can be overwhelming at times. I have had my hearts desire come to pass and be taken away in a moment. The Pain is extreme !

Within two weeks of my cry....Robin at church introduced me though email to my new friend ! Debbie is a widow of 5 years and has been not only an answer to prayer, but an encouragement and a buddy ! She likes to hike ! It's like we were old friends who have reconnected after many years of being away.

What can I say of our God ? He answered me in my day of trouble. He sent me the help and strength I needed. Psalm 20:1-2

My Loss is great to me...and all our family included...God’s word brings me promise that in these severe troubles He will revive me ! He will increase me ! He will bring me comfort !

This He has done in one simple prayer...I knew what I needed and I simply asked...My God came though BIG !

Psalm 71:20-21

You, who have shown me great and severe troubles, shall revive me again, and bring me up again from the depths of the earth. You shall increase my greatness, and comfort me on every side.

What is it you need?...I mean really need...not just a want...a need..Cry out to your God from the depth of your heart...He is a God who hears your cry and answers !

May God answer you in the day of trouble; may the name of God of Jacob defend you; may He send you help from the sanctuary, and strengthen you out of Zion.

Psalm 20:1-2