A Letter from a Close Friend

This letter was written after my letter to all of you…my friend was having a hard time with my pain…and letting fear grip her heart…fear of the same thing happening to her that has happened to me..Fear is a very destructive thing and we must take hold of it and put it in its place. If I had not written that letter I could have lost my good friend to fear…first Timothy 1:7 says "God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind."Take hold of fear and put it under your feet! Walk in the power of God…and please love me through this pain…how many of you feel this way?

Read her letter:

Mary,

I think you are a very strong woman and your faith is amazing. I think of you everyday as I pass the airport on my way home from work. And I pray for you too. You are the best example of a Christian woman that I have ever had the pleasure of befriending. I am very glad that God put you in my life.

I am ashamed of myself for not calling you more often or being there for you. I haven't been a very good friend. I wasn't sure why I was avoiding you but now I know. I feel guilty because I still have my husband and you have lost your love. It just doesn't seem fair and I'm not sure how to act or what to say, afraid I might say something that would make you miss Mell even more. And knowing that I couldn't face you without tears. But I realize nothing could make you miss him any more than you do already. I worry everyday about losing my husband or one of my kids but I should be thinking more about trying to comfort you.
Your letter has taken away the fear that I had of talking to you and sharing tears. I'm sorry to admit that I ever had that fear. I was just afraid of reminding you of the hurt that I thought you were trying to forget.
I pray that you will forgive me and still think of me as a friend. I would love to come and see you one day this week if that's ok.
Love ya lots

A letter to all of you

4/22/10

Dear friends and family...

All too recently I have suffered the devastating loss of my sweet husband Mell as you all already know.

I wanted you all to know that I will cry from time to time. I don’t want to apologize for my tears...they are not a sign of weakness as many think..(Big boys don’t cry)they are not a lack of faith. They are the way God intended me to express the extent of my loss, and they also are to me a sign that I am getting better. Just let me cry and don’t change the subject from “Mell” I want to talk about him and what happened. You are not making me cry when you talk about Mell. Are you kidding? Do you think you can make me cry? I don’t have any problem with this part of grieving! Please just talk about him and listen...I know it is hard for you to see me cry...but it’s ok...like I said...tears are bringing healing. An old pastor once told me “Tears are a release valve to the spirit” When I cry I am releasing the pain that is in my heart! I have filled buckets over the past 2 months.

It helps when you tell me that you are praying for me and it also helps when you read my blog. It shows me you care enough to take time out to see how I am doing...Please don’t be afraid to cry with me...some have said its hard to read because it makes them cry...if you love me then cry with me!...there have been many on facebook who have left really great and meaningful comments. I can’t say thank you enough. A few have left comments on my blog...there is a place to do that at the end of the page... and those will be saved forever...so please look for the comment box and leave comments with your true heart. It won’t hurt me anymore than I hurt. It really helps... Even if you don’t understand...say you don’t ...I already have learned one thing about grief..and that is that unless you have had a great loss of someone you loved with all your heart ...you don’t understand and that’s ok too! If you have experienced this loss...tell me about it...and if I start to cry..don’t stop sharing and if you cry ...we cry together!

Sometimes I become angry for no apparent reason...I hate to say that “Robert” gets the brunt of my anger...but he does...My emotion are intense because of my grief. I don’t always make sense...please be forgiving and patient with me.

I just need to know you care and I need your presence...a phone call a letter or email. Please don’t wait for me to call you since its hard to get the energy to do so. Sometimes I return calls and sometimes I forget...just please keep calling!

I just want to say “12Stone church has been an amazing support to me in this time...Even Robert’s small group came an helped me out! Amazing what God is doing in our community! Thank you 12Stone! I am healing faster because of you!

This loss is so painful, and right now it feels like the worst thing that could have ever happened to me. But I will survive and eventually recover, whatever that is. My hope is that I will have laughter and joy again someday. Yesterday when I saw our grandbaby...I did feel that joy and I did laugh at the little gummybear! I am sure she will be a real healing for all of us!

Please pray that I continue to accept this loss that I cannot change...Please pray that I will continue to be grateful for Mell being in my life...LIFE IS A GIFT AND IT CAN BE TAKEN AWAY AT ANY TIME...I am grateful that I was his wife even though our time was cut short he gave me so much.

Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for listening to me and praying for me. Thank you for all the food and things you have already done for me. Your concern comforts me and is a gift for which I will always be thankful!

Love,

Mary

A Song From My Heart

Its a Girl

ITS A GIRL

CHECK OUT OUR GRAND BABY? IN THREE D!

ARMS PROPPED BEHIND HER HEAD LIKE HER POPPA MELL!

AND SMILING!

Letting Go

4/17/10

Letting Go...

Dear Mell...

I have loved you with all my heart...you alone know that...and I know you loved me with all your heart. Now suddenly you are no longer with me in this life. Sometimes I don’t think I can go on...but I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I will continue to do so until which time the Lord calls me home to be with Him...looking forward to see you at that time again. “I asked Him if I could live in your mansion? I can’t wait to see you again.

I know when you see flowers in heaven you always think of me...only you know how excited I got over the flowers in Alaska and how you could of cared less about them making your funny jokes about there names... And only I know how excited you got over flying in Alaska. I know because you always let me fly a lot on the way there, but after we arrived in Alaska, I had to fight you to get to fly there. It was your dream and I am so happy you took me there and got to fulfill your dream.

Accepting this Loss of you is so hard, I feel like I am abandoning you...I loved you so much. It is so hard to imagine this life without you..even though I am living it. I still wait for you to come in the door and say “Honey I’m home”.

I have to trust that God will walk me through this pain.

It is hard to let go of our dreams and future of growing old together...even though you always said “Just let the old guy do it” referring to you being old already...I wanted us to be like Grandmama old...90 something together! It was something I really wanted to do. But again I must trust God.

Thank you for bringing Laughter into my life...I always had a smile on my face when I was with you. You made me so happy and your goofy jokes...how I miss them. Robert would try do tell what he called a “Mell” joke and I wouldn’t laugh...it was just you, sweetheart...you brought laughter to my soul and it healed me...I don’t want to lose the laughter and I have been able to laugh through the tears, maybe someday all that will return, but for now it is hard. Everything is hard.

I have even thought...you were one of the few people in my life who never hurt me...until now...and now I hurt...it all seems so stupid how I get mad at you for leaving, like you had a choice. You did your best and saved all the others on the plane and I am proud of you...I guess I have to forgive you for leaving...Your forgiven!

When you decided to get Baptized again in September..it was after that I saw a real push to bring others with you where you are today..in heaven. God was urging you on...Now you have left me to finish our work..and I promise “I Will bring as many with me as I can when I come”

I know I brought healing to your soul too...and you are enjoying to results of it right now with our Lord and savior Jesus Christ...I really rejoice with you in your heavenly home! Just wish I was there with you...but my time will come!

I don’t know how to do this life...again I must trust God to lead me...He is my shepherd.

I will have my puppy soon, little “Avi” I know you would have loved her. I never knew when I told you “I’m gonna get my puppy when your gone” that it would happen. It was just one of our funny things we did to one another. I could name so many of them.

And soon I will be “Nanny” to our grandchild and I will tell him or her about their “Poppa” and how we flew to Alaska and all the many things we did. We will miss you being there...there is no way to express how much we will miss you when our grandchild is born. There is no way to express how much I miss you with me. With tears streaming down my face...I will say goodbye for now...until we meet again, my love, in the place God has prepared for us.

Love, your “beautiful” wife,

Mary

Song From Mell to Me

Click the Title to listen to the song….

When I first heard this song…I had just decided to do my Solo Flight with Christina.
I could just hear Mell urging me on…SINGING IN HIS HEAVENLY VOICE… (a couple of times when the inspiration of God would come upon us we would sing to each other and this wasn't his voice!)…... I pray that God will fill your heart with dreams and faith give you the courage to dare to do great things.

and may my love give you roots and help you find your wings!

and in the last part he says…"ITS NOT LIVING IF YOU DON'T REACH FOR THE SKY.. I'LL HAVE TEARS AS YOU TAKE OFF BUT "I'LL CHEER AS YOU FLY!"

I know he is cheering me on to reach for the sky…and he is cheering me on that God will fill my heart with dreams and my faith will give me the courage to dare to do great things.

This was what Mell was all about…to all that loved him ...he pushed us all…to do what we were made to do….He encouraged us and urged us on toward to goal that God has for us who love Him!

My goal is to push forward…to where my heart is …to wherever God leads me now in this life…

I know that whatever I do now…I would not have done if I had never met Mell.

This was God's Plan…

PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS SONG…

Survival

4/16/10

Survival

I asked the Lord a couple of days ago about the heaviness I had been feeling when I looked at mine and Mell’s pictures...but especially when I looked at his picture. “What is this I am feeling?” It was like I couldn’t look Mell in the eye anymore...like I didn’t trust him...I felt abandoned...

This man who gave me the courage to be who God created me to be...who loved me for who I am, instead of trying to change me into someone he wanted me to be. He gave me something I may never have had if I had not been his wife, for this short time that we were together. “An open Free Heart” A heart that did not allow the hurt of life to harden it...he helped me to be free in my love for him without any fear. He gave me laughter continually...I loved coming home to him or him coming home to me. I realized that I was beginning to harden my heart toward him...by not being able to look at his pictures...because it hurt so bad! Pushing the hurt into my what our Bible study calls “The hidden Chambers” Places where we hide our hurts...then we try to forget about them because they hurt too bad...So I recognized this..and gave it to God...trusting Him..to heal me and bring me to the other side of this thing called grief. Into the Light of the dark tunnel of grief.

Search me O God and know my heart;Try me an know my thoughts ; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Ps 19;12-13

By faith I gave this hurt to God...He is my healer...I don’t need to hide from my pain...I can face it head on...

Ps 18:6,9 In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple He heard my voice; my cry came before Him, into his ears. :9 He parted the heavens and came down...

The Bible says present your body as a living sacrifice...A living sacrifice can get up from the altar at anytime. I choose to stay there! and it hurts! But I know it is no longer I who lives but Christ who lives in me..Gal 2:20

Phil 3:8-15 What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him...

Matthew 26:39 Not as I will but as you will.

Mary

Solo Backpack

4/14/10

I made my solo backpack without my sweet Mell...but the after effects are devastating!  I return to an empty home...and bam! It hits me as if it just happened!

If I have learned anything at all through this grief process it is that everything I do this year as the solos...will be hard when I return to an empty home. So now when I do my Solo flight with Christina… I can look forward to an empty home...I can look forward to the pain of grief...I can look forward to starting the grief process all over again…giving thanks in all circumstances...this is walking through the dark tunnel of grief ....walking through the darkness trusting the engineer of the train(Jesus)to get me into His marvelous light. 

When I say “look forward to” what I mean is I am "walking" through grief…I must walk through it to get into the Light of the tunnel...I know I will come out into the light,but for now all I see is darkness... So I look forward to the pain as the apostle Paul looked at his imprisonment as “the furtherance of the gospel! He continually praised God through the chains of prison!

He was in the chains of imprisonment ...I am in the chains of grief!

Pain=more into His Kingdom(this has happened to me for the furtherance of the gospel)as the apostle Paul said. 

I want to bring as many to heaven with me as I can when I go...so will you come with me into His Marvelous Light? 

You can come for sure if you ...ask Him to be your savior...admit you need Him...turn from your selfish ways...and make Him Lord of your life!

We are so selfish...what I miss most about Mell...is our serving one another..we always tryed to outdo each other...If he thought I did more for him... He would do more for me…If I thought he did more for me…I would try to do more for him...and in all of this we served one another….So you should serve one another above yourselves.

My conclusion about life is to give up your selfishness and do for others what you would have them do for you...even if they don’t do anything for you...DO IT! Life is too short to be selfish…Forget that petty reason for not speaking to your family member!... Life is a gift that can be taken away at any time! You don’t know how long you will have that Husband....that wife.....that child....that Mother or Father or Sister or Brother...that cousin...that Aunt or Uncle...that friend!~

When you give it up...He (Jesus) will fill you up with His Love!

JUST DO IT!

Mary

The Osprey's Easter Cry

4/5/10

Last night I was awakened suddenly by the sound of a osprey crying in my dream.  When I heard the cry I automatically knew it was an osprey because I had seen two on Lake Oconee yesterday at Wayne's(Mell's cousin)family Lake house. Then I felt the sudden warmth of the  Shepherds oil fill my heart…God's overwhelming love again..pouring into my broken heart. God seems to be using bird of prey during this time in my life. I see them everywhere. An Osprey is in the eagle family...

Isaiah 40:29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

 30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
       and young men stumble and fall

 31 but those who hope in the LORD 

       will renew their strength.
       They will soar on wings like eagles;
       they will run and not grow weary,
       they will walk and not be faint.

I can't wait for the day when I will soar on wings like the eagles and run and not grow weary…but for now I can walk and not be faint …that is all... but I am walking!and I am not fainting! I am thankful for that!

I am also looking forward to the strength that He gives to the weary! I am tired of being weary!

My Shepherd

4/3/10

The shepherd tends to his sheep. Sheep are really needy, they can’t do anything for themselves, accept eat and the shepherd has to lead them to green pastures! 
When they get cut the shepherd uses oil to heal their wounds. The wounds of just living in the pasture. Wounds of butting heads with other sheep.


The oil also repels insects that harm the sheep. These insects can actually kill sheep! 
The Shepherd doesnt want  today’s wound to become tomorrow’s infection. 


Neither does God want our wounds to become infected.  Our wounds are of the heart...If we are not careful our wounds can become bitterness...and so the Shepherd needs to treat us for our wounds of the heart.

Jesus is our Shepherd and when I felt that love that he poured into my heart on several occasions since Mell’s death...I believe He was pouring this healing oil into my heart.


Our heart wounds can come from just living in the pasture, our world, or butting heads with others in our lives. We may face a loss like I am facing. 
It may be an illness. Whatever your wound is….know that... 


(ps 100:3) We belong to Him; we are His people, the sheep He tends. 


He will do for you what the shepherd does for the sheep. He will tend to you. 

Lord, I give myself to you; my God, I trust you.(ps. 25:1,2)

What else can I do but trust in God? I have nothing else. He is all to me now.

(1 Pet. 5:6) be humble under God’s powerful hand so he will lift you up when the right time comes. 

He will lift me up out of this grief...when the right time comes! I trust Him to do so. I am prepared to wait on Him.

My Wingman

Christina's Plane

4/1/10

I can feel Mell urging me on to healing...really...I am grateful for what he gave to me, for what we had together. For loving him and his love for me. For the places we visited together and the things we did there. He changed my life and I am beginning to hear his voice again and remember things he said. I know he would not want me stuck in grief and never live this life here on earth again.

I am thinking of flying again...I talked to Christina who flew with us in Alaska in her Super Cub. She said if I go to New Jersey she will take me up. Mell opened a whole new world to me through flying and I don’t think I can give it up and I don’t think he would want me to. But the flying I learned to love was the Husky and Alaska...the small tandem seat... the closeness we had in that airplane was something to behold. I miss it. I miss my wingman.

Fly as high as you can my wingman and it won’t be long till I see you again.

Serenity

3/27/10

Mom passed away today...

Friday I went to see my friend Steve...(Picture framer guy) He asked the Lord to show him what to say to me...He gave me a little plack with the serenity  prayer on it and said to pray it whenever I woke up at night or whenever ....so I read it right there in front of him...God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change(Wow it hit me like a ton of bricks....) I had not accepted the fact that Mell is gone...I was arguing with God about it...the battles raging in my mind!

The Flesh and the Spirit waring against one another!

When I began to pray this prayer...and it was very difficult to do...God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change...I cannot change that Mell is gone and I am left here alone...without Mell...not that He(God) is not with me for He said “You are not alone” He is with me...Mell is with Him! I cannot change that all our hopes and dreams as a married couple are gone....I cannot change that I didn’t get to touch him one last time before He left this place...kiss him goodbye...I cannot change where this all leads me...for one I do not know where this leads me....accept closer to the one who loves me still ...His love never fails...His mercies are new every morning...He will turn my mourning into Joy!

This is all I can hope for right now...My Hope is in Him!

3/31/10

Buried mom today..God really met me in this hard time with the love of all of my family here in Memphis. I am learning to be still when those who don’t know what to say try to say something that makes no sense..

.Armando my cousin’s husband said something no other person has said to me when I am talking and all of a sudden I begin to cry...He said ”Don’t hold it back go ahead and cry””You need to get it out”  If I start to  cry..I know people feel uncomfortable  ...but we need to understand that when there has been a deep wound it takes tears to heal it.

 Thank you Armando there needs to be more of you out there...more people who understand pain and feel comfortable enough with it to let you cry if you need to...It just comes in waves and I never know when it will come...like when I gave Dean my nephew the “One Heartbeat Away”card...I just lost it...I want all my family to know the Love of God that I have. I want them all to know that God is a personal God and He loves me and them all the same and they can have His love too. Just for the asking! 

love ya

Mary

God is Calling Mom Home

3/24/10

They called hospice today for my mom...I envision her entering heaven and Mell meeting her...she says"How did you beat me here?"or "what are you doing here?"

I guess Mell has gotten to meet my dad too!

It was a really hard day today..I spent the day in a lot of unbearable pain...but I think it ended on a good note. The Lord seems to have given me a little peace tonight.

Today just came and went like it was never here, and i did nothing if that makes any since, but nothing was what I was supposed to do.

Island Retreat Solo

Solo Sunset without Mell

3/19/10

Liz called and told me she was going to the island to pick up Tom and wanted to know if I wanted to go...I decided this was what I needed to do...while there I read the AJC article in the Marina. Bad news..I have never read it before..it was a bunch of lies..one of which some boy said he saw a man struggling to get out of the plane and then suddenly stopped struggling.

This is how my island retreat started. I was sick...laid down on the boat as we waited for Tom. I heard a warbler(bird) say...Ant ant..ant ant....like it was saying ...that’s not true...that’s not true...

Then when Tom arrived an Eagle began to circle around the top of the Marina...I told everyone there “Thats for me”

Friday was really hard...I went straight to get my bike and road to the point...fell on my face before God....that night was hard...but I slept on and off for 12 hours...got up Sat

morning and God met me there ...I was able to read my bible and devotional books, I had not been able to concentrate at all until this time...and he gave me a sense of peace.

Some things i wrote down at the island:

“Any fear that comes I will dive into the water of it”

Anything that I think I cannot do without Mell..Do it  face it head on...like David with Goliath.

  

After my bike ride to the point...I came back to the house..he was not there...I grabbed a chair and fell asleep in the chair...suddenly I felt the chair shake...like Mell was trying to wake me up...I do not have an explanation for the chair shaking unless it was an earthquake.

My whole goal in life now is to please Him, my Lord. That’s all I have. I feel like Job stripped of my Mell.

2 Cor 3 :6,9, 12, 176 He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.9If the ministry that condemns men is glorious, how much more glorious is the ministry that brings righteousness! 10For what was glorious has no glory now in comparison with the surpassing glory. 11And if what was fading away came with glory, how much greater is the glory of that which lasts!12Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. 13We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to keep the Israelites from gazing at it while the radiance was fading away. 14But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away. 15Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. 16But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. 17Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

Ps 50:14 Sacrifice thank offerings to the Lord, I am thankful I had Mell even for this short period of time.

I will call upon the Lord in my day of trouble.

He will deliver me and I will honor him.

3/20

I have found heart rest today.

God's Provision

3/17/10

I needed new tires for the Honda...I called Mell’s friend Keith  at the Acura dealership...asked him for prices...I had looked at the NTSB and Kaufman..NTSB said I had to get Michelins...it was a ride sensitive truck! I thought that was !X1X...  ANYway I said ”What would Mell do?” “He would call Keith” So I did...he said he would call me back...when he did...he said it would cost me 150 dollars..I thought he meant per tire...which was a good deal…Keith said..Mary, Mell did so much for me…let me do this for you...

  I got my new tires today and I needed rear brakes too..he did that for too!  God is already providing for my needs.

Storm before the Calm

3/14/10

Opt/pessimist

Learn to be content in whatever situation, I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me. Look for the lesson in every setback. I guess you could call this grieving stuff a setback! A BIG Setback! A knock you down and can’t get out of the hole setback!

...I am very angry this week...I hate my life now...before the accident...I remember saying how happy and how blessed I was. Now I hate the way I feel...I am thinking thoughts I haven’t thought in ages!

I hate it!     I want to kick stuff, break stuff, yell at Robert,   ...just because I hurt...then when I see that I have hurt him...I just fall apart..crying ...I can’t stand myself...I haven’t felt that way in ages either! 

3/15/10

2 Cor.4:

17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

Its not about me ...its all about you Lord....help me to keep my focus on YOU.

Acts 20:23, 24

I only know that in every city the Holy Spirit warns me that prison

and hardships are facing me. However, I consider my life worth nothing

to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord

Jesus has given me- the task of testifying to the gospel of God's

grace.

Acts 9:16 I will show him how much he must suffer for my name.

John 21:17 Feed my sheep

Be faithful to the ministry God has called you to.

 ..it just hurts so bad...the suffering...somehow..God has given me a little taste of

the pain of death...as Jesus died on the cross.

 I am learning to give thanks in this circumstance of suffering that I

am in...and embrace it in His loving presence.