Letting Go

4/17/10

Letting Go...

Dear Mell...

I have loved you with all my heart...you alone know that...and I know you loved me with all your heart. Now suddenly you are no longer with me in this life. Sometimes I don’t think I can go on...but I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I will continue to do so until which time the Lord calls me home to be with Him...looking forward to see you at that time again. “I asked Him if I could live in your mansion? I can’t wait to see you again.

I know when you see flowers in heaven you always think of me...only you know how excited I got over the flowers in Alaska and how you could of cared less about them making your funny jokes about there names... And only I know how excited you got over flying in Alaska. I know because you always let me fly a lot on the way there, but after we arrived in Alaska, I had to fight you to get to fly there. It was your dream and I am so happy you took me there and got to fulfill your dream.

Accepting this Loss of you is so hard, I feel like I am abandoning you...I loved you so much. It is so hard to imagine this life without you..even though I am living it. I still wait for you to come in the door and say “Honey I’m home”.

I have to trust that God will walk me through this pain.

It is hard to let go of our dreams and future of growing old together...even though you always said “Just let the old guy do it” referring to you being old already...I wanted us to be like Grandmama old...90 something together! It was something I really wanted to do. But again I must trust God.

Thank you for bringing Laughter into my life...I always had a smile on my face when I was with you. You made me so happy and your goofy jokes...how I miss them. Robert would try do tell what he called a “Mell” joke and I wouldn’t laugh...it was just you, sweetheart...you brought laughter to my soul and it healed me...I don’t want to lose the laughter and I have been able to laugh through the tears, maybe someday all that will return, but for now it is hard. Everything is hard.

I have even thought...you were one of the few people in my life who never hurt me...until now...and now I hurt...it all seems so stupid how I get mad at you for leaving, like you had a choice. You did your best and saved all the others on the plane and I am proud of you...I guess I have to forgive you for leaving...Your forgiven!

When you decided to get Baptized again in September..it was after that I saw a real push to bring others with you where you are today..in heaven. God was urging you on...Now you have left me to finish our work..and I promise “I Will bring as many with me as I can when I come”

I know I brought healing to your soul too...and you are enjoying to results of it right now with our Lord and savior Jesus Christ...I really rejoice with you in your heavenly home! Just wish I was there with you...but my time will come!

I don’t know how to do this life...again I must trust God to lead me...He is my shepherd.

I will have my puppy soon, little “Avi” I know you would have loved her. I never knew when I told you “I’m gonna get my puppy when your gone” that it would happen. It was just one of our funny things we did to one another. I could name so many of them.

And soon I will be “Nanny” to our grandchild and I will tell him or her about their “Poppa” and how we flew to Alaska and all the many things we did. We will miss you being there...there is no way to express how much we will miss you when our grandchild is born. There is no way to express how much I miss you with me. With tears streaming down my face...I will say goodbye for now...until we meet again, my love, in the place God has prepared for us.

Love, your “beautiful” wife,

Mary