A Letter from a Close Friend

This letter was written after my letter to all of you…my friend was having a hard time with my pain…and letting fear grip her heart…fear of the same thing happening to her that has happened to me..Fear is a very destructive thing and we must take hold of it and put it in its place. If I had not written that letter I could have lost my good friend to fear…first Timothy 1:7 says "God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind."Take hold of fear and put it under your feet! Walk in the power of God…and please love me through this pain…how many of you feel this way?

Read her letter:

Mary,

I think you are a very strong woman and your faith is amazing. I think of you everyday as I pass the airport on my way home from work. And I pray for you too. You are the best example of a Christian woman that I have ever had the pleasure of befriending. I am very glad that God put you in my life.

I am ashamed of myself for not calling you more often or being there for you. I haven't been a very good friend. I wasn't sure why I was avoiding you but now I know. I feel guilty because I still have my husband and you have lost your love. It just doesn't seem fair and I'm not sure how to act or what to say, afraid I might say something that would make you miss Mell even more. And knowing that I couldn't face you without tears. But I realize nothing could make you miss him any more than you do already. I worry everyday about losing my husband or one of my kids but I should be thinking more about trying to comfort you.
Your letter has taken away the fear that I had of talking to you and sharing tears. I'm sorry to admit that I ever had that fear. I was just afraid of reminding you of the hurt that I thought you were trying to forget.
I pray that you will forgive me and still think of me as a friend. I would love to come and see you one day this week if that's ok.
Love ya lots

A letter to all of you

4/22/10

Dear friends and family...

All too recently I have suffered the devastating loss of my sweet husband Mell as you all already know.

I wanted you all to know that I will cry from time to time. I don’t want to apologize for my tears...they are not a sign of weakness as many think..(Big boys don’t cry)they are not a lack of faith. They are the way God intended me to express the extent of my loss, and they also are to me a sign that I am getting better. Just let me cry and don’t change the subject from “Mell” I want to talk about him and what happened. You are not making me cry when you talk about Mell. Are you kidding? Do you think you can make me cry? I don’t have any problem with this part of grieving! Please just talk about him and listen...I know it is hard for you to see me cry...but it’s ok...like I said...tears are bringing healing. An old pastor once told me “Tears are a release valve to the spirit” When I cry I am releasing the pain that is in my heart! I have filled buckets over the past 2 months.

It helps when you tell me that you are praying for me and it also helps when you read my blog. It shows me you care enough to take time out to see how I am doing...Please don’t be afraid to cry with me...some have said its hard to read because it makes them cry...if you love me then cry with me!...there have been many on facebook who have left really great and meaningful comments. I can’t say thank you enough. A few have left comments on my blog...there is a place to do that at the end of the page... and those will be saved forever...so please look for the comment box and leave comments with your true heart. It won’t hurt me anymore than I hurt. It really helps... Even if you don’t understand...say you don’t ...I already have learned one thing about grief..and that is that unless you have had a great loss of someone you loved with all your heart ...you don’t understand and that’s ok too! If you have experienced this loss...tell me about it...and if I start to cry..don’t stop sharing and if you cry ...we cry together!

Sometimes I become angry for no apparent reason...I hate to say that “Robert” gets the brunt of my anger...but he does...My emotion are intense because of my grief. I don’t always make sense...please be forgiving and patient with me.

I just need to know you care and I need your presence...a phone call a letter or email. Please don’t wait for me to call you since its hard to get the energy to do so. Sometimes I return calls and sometimes I forget...just please keep calling!

I just want to say “12Stone church has been an amazing support to me in this time...Even Robert’s small group came an helped me out! Amazing what God is doing in our community! Thank you 12Stone! I am healing faster because of you!

This loss is so painful, and right now it feels like the worst thing that could have ever happened to me. But I will survive and eventually recover, whatever that is. My hope is that I will have laughter and joy again someday. Yesterday when I saw our grandbaby...I did feel that joy and I did laugh at the little gummybear! I am sure she will be a real healing for all of us!

Please pray that I continue to accept this loss that I cannot change...Please pray that I will continue to be grateful for Mell being in my life...LIFE IS A GIFT AND IT CAN BE TAKEN AWAY AT ANY TIME...I am grateful that I was his wife even though our time was cut short he gave me so much.

Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for listening to me and praying for me. Thank you for all the food and things you have already done for me. Your concern comforts me and is a gift for which I will always be thankful!

Love,

Mary

A Song From My Heart

Its a Girl

ITS A GIRL

CHECK OUT OUR GRAND BABY? IN THREE D!

ARMS PROPPED BEHIND HER HEAD LIKE HER POPPA MELL!

AND SMILING!

Letting Go

4/17/10

Letting Go...

Dear Mell...

I have loved you with all my heart...you alone know that...and I know you loved me with all your heart. Now suddenly you are no longer with me in this life. Sometimes I don’t think I can go on...but I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I will continue to do so until which time the Lord calls me home to be with Him...looking forward to see you at that time again. “I asked Him if I could live in your mansion? I can’t wait to see you again.

I know when you see flowers in heaven you always think of me...only you know how excited I got over the flowers in Alaska and how you could of cared less about them making your funny jokes about there names... And only I know how excited you got over flying in Alaska. I know because you always let me fly a lot on the way there, but after we arrived in Alaska, I had to fight you to get to fly there. It was your dream and I am so happy you took me there and got to fulfill your dream.

Accepting this Loss of you is so hard, I feel like I am abandoning you...I loved you so much. It is so hard to imagine this life without you..even though I am living it. I still wait for you to come in the door and say “Honey I’m home”.

I have to trust that God will walk me through this pain.

It is hard to let go of our dreams and future of growing old together...even though you always said “Just let the old guy do it” referring to you being old already...I wanted us to be like Grandmama old...90 something together! It was something I really wanted to do. But again I must trust God.

Thank you for bringing Laughter into my life...I always had a smile on my face when I was with you. You made me so happy and your goofy jokes...how I miss them. Robert would try do tell what he called a “Mell” joke and I wouldn’t laugh...it was just you, sweetheart...you brought laughter to my soul and it healed me...I don’t want to lose the laughter and I have been able to laugh through the tears, maybe someday all that will return, but for now it is hard. Everything is hard.

I have even thought...you were one of the few people in my life who never hurt me...until now...and now I hurt...it all seems so stupid how I get mad at you for leaving, like you had a choice. You did your best and saved all the others on the plane and I am proud of you...I guess I have to forgive you for leaving...Your forgiven!

When you decided to get Baptized again in September..it was after that I saw a real push to bring others with you where you are today..in heaven. God was urging you on...Now you have left me to finish our work..and I promise “I Will bring as many with me as I can when I come”

I know I brought healing to your soul too...and you are enjoying to results of it right now with our Lord and savior Jesus Christ...I really rejoice with you in your heavenly home! Just wish I was there with you...but my time will come!

I don’t know how to do this life...again I must trust God to lead me...He is my shepherd.

I will have my puppy soon, little “Avi” I know you would have loved her. I never knew when I told you “I’m gonna get my puppy when your gone” that it would happen. It was just one of our funny things we did to one another. I could name so many of them.

And soon I will be “Nanny” to our grandchild and I will tell him or her about their “Poppa” and how we flew to Alaska and all the many things we did. We will miss you being there...there is no way to express how much we will miss you when our grandchild is born. There is no way to express how much I miss you with me. With tears streaming down my face...I will say goodbye for now...until we meet again, my love, in the place God has prepared for us.

Love, your “beautiful” wife,

Mary

Song From Mell to Me

Click the Title to listen to the song….

When I first heard this song…I had just decided to do my Solo Flight with Christina.
I could just hear Mell urging me on…SINGING IN HIS HEAVENLY VOICE… (a couple of times when the inspiration of God would come upon us we would sing to each other and this wasn't his voice!)…... I pray that God will fill your heart with dreams and faith give you the courage to dare to do great things.

and may my love give you roots and help you find your wings!

and in the last part he says…"ITS NOT LIVING IF YOU DON'T REACH FOR THE SKY.. I'LL HAVE TEARS AS YOU TAKE OFF BUT "I'LL CHEER AS YOU FLY!"

I know he is cheering me on to reach for the sky…and he is cheering me on that God will fill my heart with dreams and my faith will give me the courage to dare to do great things.

This was what Mell was all about…to all that loved him ...he pushed us all…to do what we were made to do….He encouraged us and urged us on toward to goal that God has for us who love Him!

My goal is to push forward…to where my heart is …to wherever God leads me now in this life…

I know that whatever I do now…I would not have done if I had never met Mell.

This was God's Plan…

PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS SONG…