Wind River Range Retreat

9/1/10

I have been gone for 2 weeks to Wyoming on a backpack retreat in the Wind River Range.

This is where the “Healing begins” I will take one day at a time in my journal I did while I was in the winds. The Wind of God was blowing strong...this place didn’t get its name by chance!

The peace of God was amazing...I love the mountains and the wilderness and God meets me there.

12Stone church for all who live in this area is doing a series on

“Doing Hard Things” They did an interview with me to be aired maybe on Sunday. I’m not sure what date it will be I will keep you updated. You can come to the 1pm service after your church if you want...or join me at the 9am service.

Journey to Healing

Happy Birthday Graham!

8/15/10(Graham’s 30th birthday)

The next step in my grief journey will be my first real solo trip without Mell. I have to leave my little puppy Avi too. We all know what a comfort a pet can be at this time of grieving. She will be staying 1 week with my son Robert and the 2nd week with my friend Ruth. I have a real peace today after praying over her and giving her to the Lord to take care of her for me.

I will be leaving for Wyoming on Tuesday on a backpacking trip for 2 weeks one week in and coming out for 1 day and then returning to a different area for another week. It will be the longest backpack I have ever done.

Its all about the climb God is taking me on...

I am asking God for a time of reflection on my life with Mell, all that he gave to me...and what it means in my life now that he is gone... It was his whole heart that he gave to me and my heart belonged to him wholly. I want to reflect on the Love we shared and the fun we had. None of which would have happened without each other.

I am asking the Lord for healing in this Wyoming wilderness area.

I know that He lives in me and goes with me wherever I go.

If you have read past blogs...you might remember the “Breath of God” I think He is preparing me to take the next step. To go beyond what is expected of me. I haven’t a clue what that is...but I am preparing to take it whatever it might be!

"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" (Psalm 13:2).

Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice(Ps 55:18)

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path" (Psalm 119:105).

Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

Isaiah 58:7-9

He will lead me.. as on this hike I will take one step at a time,

In grief I will do the same... one step at a time. Some parts of the journey will be harder than others...just like this hike...I’m sure some trails will be harder than others....

My healing will break forth! He will be my rear guard!

I will return on the 1st of September thank you for your prayers at this time.

Solo Anniversary

8/12/10

I made it around and through our wedding anniversary August 9.

My son Graham came to visit from California and we went to the Island and returned on Sunday the 8th which was the 6th month of Mell’s home going. We met with all the family and had dinner,

it was good for us all to be together.

I say I made it around and through because it was my intension to make it through and I ran around it all day. We can go through grief or we can run from it or go around it. Finally at the end of the day I realized I was running...just running...I felt like I was going crazy again!

The anger I felt at God I had not felt since Mell first left this place to be with our God.

I ended the day with thanksgiving and tears to a God who loves me!

I am glad I serve Him and know His love... even when I am angry at Him!

John 14:23
Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.

His home is in me...He lives in me...how can I run from my pain when I have a God who lives in me and goes with me through this thing we call grief?

John 21:17 Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you." Jesus said, "Feed my sheep.

This much I know...I love my Lord...and He loves me...He is asking all of us to “Feed His Sheep” This I will continue to do. Sharing His love with all I meet along this new path He is cutting for me. I will stay on the path and try not to go around or run from it again but if I do, I know He is there to catch me when I fall! I desire to make it through! And with His help and your prayers I know I will!

Crying Out In The Day Of Trouble

8/2/10

Recently I cried out to the Lord for a “Widow Friend” and I mean cried out ! This is an extremely hard road to walk alone. The loneliness can be overwhelming at times. I have had my hearts desire come to pass and be taken away in a moment. The Pain is extreme !

Within two weeks of my cry....Robin at church introduced me though email to my new friend ! Debbie is a widow of 5 years and has been not only an answer to prayer, but an encouragement and a buddy ! She likes to hike ! It's like we were old friends who have reconnected after many years of being away.

What can I say of our God ? He answered me in my day of trouble. He sent me the help and strength I needed. Psalm 20:1-2

My Loss is great to me...and all our family included...God’s word brings me promise that in these severe troubles He will revive me ! He will increase me ! He will bring me comfort !

This He has done in one simple prayer...I knew what I needed and I simply asked...My God came though BIG !

Psalm 71:20-21

You, who have shown me great and severe troubles, shall revive me again, and bring me up again from the depths of the earth. You shall increase my greatness, and comfort me on every side.

What is it you need?...I mean really need...not just a want...a need..Cry out to your God from the depth of your heart...He is a God who hears your cry and answers !

May God answer you in the day of trouble; may the name of God of Jacob defend you; may He send you help from the sanctuary, and strengthen you out of Zion.

Psalm 20:1-2

Solo Anxiety

7/22/10

Each day gets closer to that special day I do not look forward to this year...our anniversary. Mell and I met swimming laps at our gym and I looked forward to our anniversary swim each year.

That was the plan anyway...this year it will be alone and I am already dreading it. August 8 will be 6 months since his homegoing and August 9 will be our 2 year anniversary. So please keep me in your prayers on these 2 days especially.

I am trying to rest in Him...trust Him for each new day, being confident he has a new destiny for me to fulfill.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all you heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths.

Isaiah 30:15 "In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength,

Each day I depend on His strength in everything I do. From the

smallest chores to the biggest decisions. He is all I have and I depend on Him to get me through.

I am still cutting through the Jungle each day. Some days I think

the path will never get easier and the jungle just gets thicker!

Everything is so hard without my sweet husband beside me.

I still miss him every second of the day.

When I am weak He is strong in me!

2 Corinthians 12:8-10

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

The BREATH and Peace of God

7/12/10

The whole week after I got back I felt like I couldn’t do this life...

A lady who had lost her son...after I had shared my bad week with her thinking she would understand because of her great loss...said to me” Thats why I think losing a child is the hardest..you can always replace a spouse...but not a child...

I was struck with unbelief...she has never lost her spouse! Yet I have never lost my child...but this is just one of those things you don’t say! Everyone's loss is the worst…because it is happening to them.

My prayer continued “ God have mercy on me and give me Peace”

...I had complained to God, one thing when you lose your child you have your husband to hold you...when you lose your spouse...you are so alone...and who feels comfortable holding you...no one...

Friday night I had a dream about Mell...he just came and held me.

I asked him why he had to leave me? He said he had to get back...and he was gone.

Saturday night I awoke at 4am...couldn’t go back to sleep so I was praying and again asking for Mercy and peace...when about 4:45 a strong wind came into my room and blew on my back. I was crying out to God ”What is this?” the right side of my bed was shaking like it was an earthquake but then the left side was not.

I got up and began to search the scriptures about winds...I found one in...

John 20:21 Again Jesus said, "Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you." 22And with that he breathed on them and said, "Receive the Holy Spirit.

I thought “Maybe it was God’s breath” and then I thought “Maybe the answer is at church”

I left for church and Kevin Queen was preaching...Title “God of Peace”

He was talking about an anxious presence and how when a leader is anxious it creates fear. The word “anxiety...means to choke” Choking takes the life out of you...Jesus is not anxious !

Genesis 2:7

7 the LORD God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.

John 16:33

33"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Then he quoted John 20:21 and he breathed on them “the breath of life” and said he is sending us ! Sending us out...take it to others ! Take his peace to others...Be peace carriers! We all have troubles...but those in the world who do not know Jesus...do not have His peace...Jesus said he gave it to us...we must carry it to those who do not have it !

Pray for me to keep peace in my heart these troubled days and the days ahead...and to be thankful for the time I had Mell here in this life and for His Mercy.

I am really looking forward to my new home in heaven !

Solo 4th of July

7/4/10

Today was my solo 4th of July without Mell...We never knew where we would be on the 4th...last year we celebrated it with Jay and Sandy...we had a bon fire in the daylight and fireworks in the daylight...that’s Alaska in the Summer!

This year I spent it with my brother...its his birthday on the 4th and he turned 60 this year...it was another hard day for me…but with the help of God and His strength "I did it"

I left the Island...and drove home and then to Nashville to be with my brother on his birthday...on the way home from the Island I was anxious to get home and I was frustrated and felt I was rushing....then that still small voice inside said to me” Mary, why are you rushing? Mell is not there !” wow...something inside of me

was just telling me to rush and maybe he would be there...I can’t explain it...it still is such a shock to have a wonderful husband like Mell...and love to get home because he is there...that... can’t wait to get home to be with him.. feeling...and then suddenly he is gone...forever from this life...just boom... he is gone...one day here the next day gone...I know that’s reality...and in my mind I know it ...but this physical body hasn’t figured it out yet...its just very hard to explain....part of me knows and part of me doesn’t...if that makes any since at all...and as I was rushing home and didn’t know why...but my God is faithful to show me why...”I was rushing home to my husband...who would not be there...Oh how I miss hearing him say “Honey I’m Home”! As soon as I get to heaven I get to say it to him” Honey I’m Home” ! For Eternity !

I told this to Robert and he said ...”yea mom, I was the only one here.”

Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God!

Cease striving and know that I am God!

Calm down and learn that I am God!