Thursday, July 22, 2010

Solo Anxiety


Each day gets closer to that special day I do not look forward to this year...our anniversary. Mell and I met swimming laps at our gym and I looked forward to our anniversary swim each year.

That was the plan anyway...this year it will be alone and I am already dreading it. August 8 will be 6 months since his homegoing and August 9 will be our 2 year anniversary. So please keep me in your prayers on these 2 days especially.

I am trying to rest in Him for each new day, being confident he has a new destiny for me to fulfill.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all you heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths.

Isaiah 30:15 "In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength,

Each day I depend on His strength in everything I do. From the

smallest chores to the biggest decisions. He is all I have and I depend on Him to get me through.

I am still cutting through the Jungle each day. Some days I think

the path will never get easier and the jungle just gets thicker!

Everything is so hard without my sweet husband beside me.

I still miss him every second of the day.

When I am weak He is strong in me!

2 Corinthians 12:8-10

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Monday, July 12, 2010

The BREATH and Peace of God


The whole week after I got back I felt like I couldn’t do this life...

A lady who had lost her son...after I had shared my bad week with her thinking she would understand because of her great loss...said to me” Thats why I think losing a child is the can always replace a spouse...but not a child...

I was struck with unbelief...she has never lost her spouse! Yet I have never lost my child...but this is just one of those things you don’t say! Everyone's loss is the worst…because it is happening to them.

My prayer continued “ God have mercy on me and give me Peace

...I had complained to God, one thing when you lose your child you have your husband to hold you...when you lose your are so alone...and who feels comfortable holding one...

Friday night I had a dream about Mell...he just came and held me.

I asked him why he had to leave me? He said he had to get back...and he was gone.

Saturday night I awoke at 4am...couldn’t go back to sleep so I was praying and again asking for Mercy and peace...when about 4:45 a strong wind came into my room and blew on my back. I was crying out to God ”What is this?” the right side of my bed was shaking like it was an earthquake but then the left side was not.

I got up and began to search the scriptures about winds...I found one in...

John 20:21 Again Jesus said, "Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you." 22And with that he breathed on them and said, "Receive the Holy Spirit.

I thought “Maybe it was God’s breath” and then I thought “Maybe the answer is at church”

I left for church and Kevin Queen was preaching...Title “God of Peace”

He was talking about an anxious presence and how when a leader is anxious it creates fear. The word “anxiety...means to choke” Choking takes the life out of you...Jesus is not anxious !

Genesis 2:7

7 the LORD God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.

John 16:33

33"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Then he quoted John 20:21 and he breathed on them “the breath of life” and said he is sending us ! Sending us out...take it to others ! Take his peace to others...Be peace carriers! We all have troubles...but those in the world who do not know not have His peace...Jesus said he gave it to us...we must carry it to those who do not have it !

Pray for me to keep peace in my heart these troubled days and the days ahead...and to be thankful for the time I had Mell here in this life and for His Mercy.

I am really looking forward to my new home in heaven !

Monday, July 5, 2010

Solo 4th of July


Today was my solo 4th of July without Mell...We never knew where we would be on the 4th...last year we celebrated it with Jay and Sandy...we had a bon fire in the daylight and fireworks in the daylight...that’s Alaska in the Summer!

This year I spent it with my brother...its his birthday on the 4th and he turned 60 this was another hard day for me…but with the help of God and His strength "I did it"

I left the Island...and drove home and then to Nashville to be with my brother on his birthday...on the way home from the Island I was anxious to get home and I was frustrated and felt I was rushing....then that still small voice inside said to me” Mary, why are you rushing? Mell is not there !” wow...something inside of me

was just telling me to rush and maybe he would be there...I can’t explain still is such a shock to have a wonderful husband like Mell...and love to get home because he is there...that... can’t wait to get home to be with him.. feeling...and then suddenly he is gone...forever from this life...just boom... he is day here the next day gone...I know that’s reality...and in my mind I know it ...but this physical body hasn’t figured it out yet...its just very hard to explain....part of me knows and part of me doesn’t...if that makes any since at all...and as I was rushing home and didn’t know why...but my God is faithful to show me why...”I was rushing home to my husband...who would not be there...Oh how I miss hearing him say “Honey I’m Home”! As soon as I get to heaven I get to say it to him” Honey I’m Home” ! For Eternity !

I told this to Robert and he said ...”yea mom, I was the only one here.”

Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God!

Cease striving and know that I am God!

Calm down and learn that I am God!

Floods of Tears and Memories

July1, 2010

I can look at the dock and visualize a memory of something that happened between Mell and I there. I can look at the fireplace and remember him starting it just for me. As I look at our handy work in the kitchen when we remodeled...the memories flood me !

Even every time I pass the wind sock I remember Mell and Dale and me working to get that thing flying !

As the tree that held our hammock fell recently. Our last trip here we had it cut down...I had to figure out how to hang our hammock on my own..without my sweet was sad...but I did I found a 4x 4 and dug a hole and hung the hammock from the tree to the pole. I thought it looked funny when the hammock wasn’t there so it needed a little something. Someone had given Mell a sign that said ”Hall’s Dock” we had it hung in the house...I decided to hang it on the pole...I think he would have liked it !

Things are so hard for me...this trip...easier in some ways...yet harder in others...memories are really flooding my heart this trip.

and the tears just flow...Maybe I can imagine what God’s word means when it says “ Surely goodness and “MERCY” will follow you all the days of your life” Have mercy on me God is my prayer everyday...and to sleep in peace. I must continue to look on toward my new future without Mell…

Hebrews 12:1-2

let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

I don't have to get over my grief…His power will get me through it….I don't have to put on a happy face…His peace will fill me up…The Lord gives Strength to his people…He blesses his people with peace. Psalm 29:11

I don't have to have the whole picture of what He is doing in my life…I just have to believe God does love me…and continue on by faith and not by sight ! Truly I can't see it right nowblessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." John 20:29

Avi's First Island Trip


Avi’s first time at the Island

Avi seems to love it here...she is doing well ..I took her to the point and showed her around the Island. She has discovered

fiddler crabs and saw her first deer and Dolphin.

I didn’t show it to her the way that Mell showed it to me...

The first time he brought me here it was at the time we

got everything put away it was dark ...but he insisted on showing me the Island that night! He took me in the golf cart with the headlights on ....down every path here on the Island...we had Palmetto’s and Palm trees hitting us on every side...spiders and webs flying all around us hitting us in the face ! And this was my husband to be?

Later when I we had family reunion his cousin Wayne said to me”I hear you passed the test” Well I guess I did I said !

Mell laughed !

How many test has God put us through ? How many test have we passed ? I bet we have failed more than we have passed. I know that to be true for me...

but I believe God gave me Mell because I finally passed one of my test ! He was God’s gift to me for such a short time...but he was my gift and I get to keep his family for my own ! His brothers and their wives ...what a blessing ! HIS mother... His son’s...

and their wives...his cousins...soon I will be a grandmother “mama Mia” all because of a gift from God !

Unstoppable Life “Sermon at church on Sunday”

John 19:30 Jesus said” It is finished” and he bowed his head and gave up his spirit. But it really had just began !

Just because we come to the end of a “dream” “a Marriage” “ a Job” the end of an “era” does not mean your destiny is over...

As long as there is life there is hope !

Hebrews 3:14 We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first

Philippians 1:6 He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jesus is the beginning and the end. Believe the best for your future.

Psalm 23: Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever !

Mell gave so much to me...and I miss him more each day...but just because this part of my life has come to an end...does not mean this is the end of my destiny ! I do not know the end of my destiny but God does...and as I follow him each day, I know he will reveal it to me...I pray soon...