Thursday, April 1, 2010


Mom passed away today...
Friday I went to see my friend Steve...(Picture framer guy) He asked the Lord to show him what to say to me...He gave me a little plack with the serenity  prayer on it and said to pray it whenever I woke up at night or whenever I read it right there in front of him...God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change(Wow it hit me like a ton of bricks....) I had not accepted the fact that Mell is gone...I was arguing with God about it...the battles raging in my mind!
The Flesh and the Spirit waring against one another!
When I began to pray this prayer...and it was very difficult to do...God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change...I cannot change that Mell is gone and I am left here alone...without Mell...not that He(God) is not with me for He said “You are not alone” He is with me...Mell is with Him! I cannot change that all our hopes and dreams as a married couple are gone....I cannot change that I didn’t get to touch him one last time before He left this place...kiss him goodbye...I cannot change where this all leads me...for one I do not know where this leads me....accept closer to the one who loves me still ...His love never fails...His mercies are new every morning...He will turn my mourning into Joy!
This is all I can hope for right now...My Hope is in Him!

Buried mom today..God really met me in this hard time with the love of all of my family here in Memphis. I am learning to be still when those who don’t know what to say try to say something that makes no sense..

.Armando my cousin’s husband said something no other person has said to me when I am talking and all of a sudden I begin to cry...He said ”Don’t hold it back go ahead and cry””You need to get it out”  If I start to  cry..I know people feel uncomfortable  ...but we need to understand that when there has been a deep wound it takes tears to heal it.
 Thank you Armando there needs to be more of you out there...more people who understand pain and feel comfortable enough with it to let you cry if you need to...It just comes in waves and I never know when it will when I gave Dean my nephew the “One Heartbeat Away”card...I just lost it...I want all my family to know the Love of God that I have. I want them all to know that God is a personal God and He loves me and them all the same and they can have His love too. Just for the asking! 

love ya

1 comment:

  1. mary, i read this entry. my heart goes out to you. i haven't known you these last 38 years but do know you are suffering and as someone from your past, someone who knew you in your wild and crazy days, i reach out and say hold on. you are a strong person and i can tell that by reading your blog. i wrote you before, when mel died, that i could tell what a love you guys shared. that is why you are suffering so, you have lost him and his physical presence. i also know he will find a way to let you know he is still with you - even though you can't see him. i love that your cousin gave you the go ahead to cry. i learned from your writing that is what we are supposed to do when someone is hurting rather than say "you'll get through it" we already know we will get through it, what other choice do we have? but to be allowed and encouraged to show our sadness through our tears is a wonderful gift. thank you for sharing. patty walsh bailey.